Love youself..?

I believe self-hate and self-rejection is a thingy which we all, as a normal human race are constantly fighting on, while some faced it better than the others. I have viewed some serious cases on the internet, but that does not make me turn off my computer and running away saying “yayy I am fine”. It is the struggle I am facing now, and I know sooner or later I will have to deal with it.

(Probably never..?)

Unlike other low self-esteem cases, I hate myself not because I am not able to express, but I hate myself for being fake. Although it is true that I am not satisfied with myself in sense of external appearance, but the main thing that is killing me inside is the structure of my thinking and beliefs.

It does not take much time to figure out what I do not like about myself, honestly. I used to take the acceptance of anyone (or perhaps everyone) as a benchmark of my personality and my standards. Undeniable, the sense of acceptance is one of the component that made a healthy human being. Yes, I agree that the sense of recognition sometimes can be so overwhelming that people would die for it (not good), but I have taken it too far where I clung my life onto others views and their perception of me, instead of what I think of myself.

The universe works in a way that one may correlates with another but not necessary connected. If you are a bad person, people will not like you. But if people do not like you, it does not make you a bad person. I am quite into some artists who are not generally well-known, because of the uniqueness of being isolated, alone but not lonely, elegant and quiet. If that is the kind of people I wanted to be so badly, what is it that holding me back?

It is sad to say that my principles are fluctuating all the time, as long as people like it, as long as I feel the presence of myself, I am fine with it. Which is why I am cracking jokes all the time, speak in manner that people would laugh at it, and not taking myself seriously. I am not a rubbish bin where I have to take in whatever people throw at me in order to feel myself. I want to and I should behave in a way that I am comfortable (in consideration of yours and my situation), if you don’t like it, leave, please. It is not that I will stop being kind, I am just done being someone who has limitless boundaries in treating people.

I remember there was a time during my internship, there was a guy called Valter, who was my partner. I could see big difference between us. He LOVES himself until the end of universe and I hate myself more than everyone else in this fucking universe. He used to say “I have done enough and this is the best I could give.”, well I used to say “ I could’ve do more.” Some say it is just a difference in behaving, but for me, it is more on how do you judge yourself.

He was constantly growing together with himself (I think so, but I am not sure if he is really trying LOL), and I am criticizing myself for all the bad things that occurred as if I am not part of myself. He make sure he did his best in his work, while I pushed myself to perfection. The work was the same, but the outcomes are thousand miles apart. He enjoyed the results and feel the satisfaction of his work, me? It was a tragic story.

The voice inside my head was never on my side regardless of how hard I try. I know that I did some good and perform some splendid performances throughout my life, but somehow the good are always minimized and the bad are always in echo. Every time I think of myself, I could not think of anything but the bad things and the bad decisions.

Quite pathetic is it not?

Do not get me wrong, I am a cheerful child who is still have deep faith in hope. I know it is contradicting, but somehow I managed to keep going forward with a head full of dreams and hate myself at the same time. Or put it in bare words, I hate how I program myself, but not how I construct my life.

In all of my life, I thanked my parents for everything, as they devoted themselves in providing me the best thing to make sure I lead a good life. They poured in everything they could for their children in hope that all of them are happy and rolling. I was happy, until I discovered myself more. I felt guilty for them (which is why I did not say anything to them), but I can’t help myself, I wanted to be as happy as always, but in order to be happy AND be me, I need to know more about myself. It is dark now, but I know if I keep walking down, eventually I will come to a better place.

Walking down self-discovery is pretty shit for me, it torments me so much as I can ONLY see my dark side. It then weighted on my emotion, bits by bits until I finally crumbled. I am not sure if I should be celebrating as I ripped myself apart (?) but it is the result of my decision is it not? It is kind of funny to type it out, because only now I found that what I am doing is nothing good for me. LOL WTF.

WHY DON’T I LOVE MYSELF MORE?

It is easier said than done. 

1st equation: I do not love myself because I do not live my life to the fullest, 

2nd equation: I do not live myself to the fullest, that’s why I do not love myself. 

Honestly I do not know if I will start loving myself IF I lead my life to the path that I supposed to. But I am well aware that if I start loving myself, I will lead my life to the way it always meant to be. Well, it is sad to say that I myself, do not quite know how to love myself. But it is alright, I can Google, or perhaps you could tell me =)

“If you are walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep moving forward, eventually you will make progress.” –Barrack Obama

The first step of solving any problems is to recognize that there is one. Wish me luck people.